You are not a trash can; so, don’t allow people to dump their garbage on you.
Are your friends or close family constantly unloading their problems on you? Do they dominate conversations by continually talking about themselves and their issues, and don’t show any interest in you and what you have to say?
Don’t you feel drained and depleted afterward?
In an ideal world, a friend comes to you with a problem, you feel valued that this friend chose you as their confidant and that they trust you enough to open up to you. You may often feel indebted to help in any way you can; you listen empathically and offer some advice, support, or a safe space for them to feel heard. They feel better, and you feel rewarded.
End of story, right?
Not if your friend is a “dumper.”
What if this scenario keeps repeating?
They keep complaining, and you keep sympathizing. You want to be there for your friend and offer your support because that is what good friends do.
You see, some people, because of their own shortcomings, frustrations, disappointment, and anger, carry their negativity like garbage trucks carry garbage. And, when their container of negativity gets full, they have no choice but to dump some out.
Regardless of the issues, and because of their emotional entanglement, they ease their pain by dumping their negativity on you.
When a “chronic dumper” continuously unloads their garbage on you, they don’t necessarily want an answer or a solution to their problem – they just need to whine and complain. By allowing them to dump all their distress on to you, you are “supporting” a process that may offer temporary relief, but gives the dumper a free pass to stay in their negative state without a chance to grow.
If you happen to be the person that is always available and always gets dumped on, you eventually start to carry their negative vibrations and therefore feel drained, exhausted, and worn out. No friendship is worth risking your own mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing.
How do you keep yourself protected from “DUMPERS”?
1- Know the difference between dumping and venting- Adapted from The Empath’s Survival Guide by Judith Orloff, MD
Venting
- Feels healthy
- Sticks to one topic
- Is time-limited
- Doesn’t keep repeating the same topic
- No blaming
- No victim mode
- Shows accountability for their part in the issue
- Open to solutions after expressing yourself
Dumping
- Feels toxic
- Overwhelms you with many issues
- Keeps repeating the same thing
- Blames others
- In victim mode
- Goes on and on
- No accountability for their part in the issue
- Not open to solutions
2- Set Emotional Boundaries– Decide how much you can give without feeling drained and overwhelmed. Gently remind your friend/co-worker, or family member that you love and support them, but you cannot be a therapist for them. Release the need to “FIX” everything.
Related article: How to set healthy boundaries
3- Communicate– Being nice and an empathetic friend does not mean forgetting about your own wellbeing and peace of mind. No matter how close the other person is to you, it is not ok for them to drain your energy and continuously talk about their misfortunes. It is ok, and sometimes necessary to tell them NO, we are not going to go there today. Once you set your boundaries, it is up to you to assertively enforce them and draw the line where you had enough. Stop being a people pleaser and don’t allow yourself to get emotionally burnt out by needing to be a “good friend.”
3- Keep Your Distance- Know your time and energy’s worth. If all your efforts fail and you are still getting dumped on by negativity, keep your distance! Practice self-love and self-worth. People treat you as good as you treat yourself. If you allow others to mistreat you, it can imply on a subconscious level that you feel unworthy.
A person with healthy self-worth recognizes the unjust behavior and respectfully disallows it. Valuing yourself worth sets the standard for how other people will treat you.
what happens when a ‘dumper’ speaks negatively and critically to all all and sundry behind ones back, thus altering listener attitude to me. in a bewildering way. ? What would be the reason or name for this.
Very nicely described..
Good one..
🙂
People use me as a sounding board It is like they write all over me scribbles and all and I cannot stand up to them
Covid makes this even more difficult when it’s people in your own house! My mom gets offended when I try to set boundaries but she constantly dumps her stress on me continuously even if it has nothing to do with what we’re talking about. I basically have to isolate myself in my room if I can’t handle it and then she assumes there’s something wrong. She doesn’t have a lot of support from friends to talk about things so I get it but she has a counselor she talks to once a week so you’d that would fix it.
Thanks , my boyfriend, if I ask him a question turns it into I’m trying to tell him what to do or I’m manipulating him He doesn’t understand a question from telling him what to do. I respond and he gets upset and I’m upset This man is very nice and compassionate otherwise Help not kids I’m 70s
Sometimes we manipulate by asking a question and expecting an answer that suits us. Instead, don’t focus so much on his life, but on your own life.
This is my mother during lockdown for over a year and even if I am not in her presence she sends messages attempts phone calls and so on…
My best friend of over 30 years is a dumper and have I placated this behavior for years. I got sick and couldn’t be that ear for her as much because of the stress it puts on me. I never hear from her unless she tries to dump on me. She never asks how I am or how my health is, it’s 24/7 all about her. I now have another friend that actually texts me and the only pleasantly she adds before dumping her stuff on me is a half hearted “hi” It makes me very sad because I do care and love these ladies. I’m a good loyal friend, but it isn’t reciprocated. I’m torn as to how to handle it. Neither one cares, so I guess I just stop talking to them?
Can you offer any advice for when the dumper is your mum, and she’s been doing it your whole life. When she’s in a bad place, (which is a lot) I am her go to. I was her only child till I was 11, my sister is much younger and has ADD so needs a lot of her own support, so my mum talks to me about the endless lists of ailments and problems and relationship issues she has. I tried to tell her that it was really draining and actually quite difficult for me, and she said ‘well you often tell me all the things wrong with you, do you just want that to be one way?’ And it stumped me. I feel like when I tell her stuff, it’s usually very short, and I often actually downplay it, because she usually responds with how much worse her situation is anyway. Also when she dumps on me, if I don’t constantly give her sympathetic cues, she actually gets angry with me and tells me ‘it would have been nice to get some sympathy or compassion’. I feel trapped.
Just because I’m quite and reserved many people thinking I’m friendly for their emotional negativity. Many of those intend to reject my responses for answers and solutions to problems. Cordially, I removed them kinds of people from my life. If being alone is what it takes then that’s a risk of taking. Neighbors, roommates, and those are associated with them thinks it’s an escape goat from their own responsibilities in life. No need to be polite to people who chronically dumps their negativity on me because they’re are passionate to make my self-worth nevertheless to what’s going on with them as people. I’m fed up and tired of living in this type of untypical environment. Forget those kinds of people as friends or even members of family who consistently using me for a temporarily relief.